Monday, March 30, 2009

10 Interesting Facts about NOKIA !!!

1) The ringtone "Nokia tune" is actually based on a 19th century guitar work named "Gran Vals" by Spanish musician Francisco Tárrega. The Nokia Tune was originally named "Grande Valse" on Nokia phones but was changed to "Nokia Tune" around 1998 when it became so well known that people referred to it as the "Nokia Tune."
2) The world's first commercial GSM call was made in 1991 in Helsinki over a Nokia-supplied network, by Prime Minister of Finland Harri Holkeri, using a Nokia phone.

3) Nokia is currently the world's largest digital camera manufacturer, as the sales of its camera-equipped mobile phones have exceeded those of any conventional camera manufacturer.

4) The "Special" tone available to users of Nokia phones when receiving SMS (text messages) is actually Morse code for "SMS". Similarly, the "Ascending" SMS tone is Morse code for "Connecting People," Nokia's slogan. The "Standard" SMS tone is Morse code for "M" (Message).

5) The Nokia corporate font (typeface) is the AgfaMonotype Nokia Sans font, originally designed by Eric Spiekermann. Its mobile phone User's Guides Nokia mostly used the Agfa Rotis Sans font.
6) In Asia, the digit 4 never appears in any Nokia handset model number, because 4 is considered unlucky in many parts of Southeast/East Asia.
7) Nokia was listed as the 20th most admirable company worldwide in Fortune's list of 2006 (1st in network communications, 4th non-US company).
8. Unlike other modern day handsets, Nokia phones do not automatically start the call timer when the call is connected, but start it when the call is initiated. (Except for Series 60 based handsets like the Nokia 6600)
9) Nokia is sometimes called aikon (Nokia backwards) by non-Nokia mobile phone users and by mobile software developers, because "aikon" is used in various SDK software packages, including Nokia's own Symbian S60 SDK.
10) The name of the town of Nokia originated from the river which flowed through the town. The river itself, Nokianvirta, was named after the old Finnish word originally meaning sable, later pine marten. A

An Interesting History Lesson !!!

Abraham Lincoln was elected to Congress in 1846.
John F. Kennedy was elected to Congress in 1946.
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Abraham Lincoln was elected President in 1860.
John F. Kennedy was elected President in 1960.
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Both were particularly concerned with civil rights.
Both wives lost their children while living in the White House.
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Both Presidents were shot on a Friday.
Both Presidents were shot in the head.
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Now it gets really weird.

Lincoln 's secretary was named Kennedy.
Kennedy's Secretary was named Lincoln.
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Both were assassinated by Southerners.
Both were succeeded by Southerners named Johnson.
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Andrew Johnson, who succeeded Lincoln, was born in 1808.
Lyndon Johnson, who succeeded Kennedy, was born in 1908
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John Wilkes Booth, who assassinated Lincoln, was born in 1839.
Lee Harvey Oswald, who assassinated Kennedy, was born in 1939.
*********
Both assassins were known by their three names.
Both names are composed of fifteen letters.
*********
Now hang on to your seat.

Lincoln was shot at the theater named 'Ford.'
Kennedy was shot in a car called ' Lincoln' made by 'Ford.'
*********
Lincoln was shot in a theater and his assassin ran and hid in a warehouse.
Kennedy was shot from a warehouse and his assassin ran and hid in a theater.
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Booth and Oswald were assassinated before their trials.
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And here's the kicker...
A week before Lincoln was shot, he was in Monroe, Maryland
A week before Kennedy was shot, he was with Marilyn Monroe.

Amazing Facts :Bill Gates(Information) GK


1. Bill Gates earns US$250 every SECOND, that's about US$20 Million a DAY and US$7.8 Billion a YEAR!
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2. If he drops a thousand dollar, he won't even bother to pick it up bcoz the 4 seconds he picks it, he would've already earned it back.
**********
3. The US national debt is about 5.62 trillion, if Bill Gates were to pay the debt by himself; he will finish it in less then 10 years.
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4. He can donate US$15 to everyone on earth but still be left with US$5 Million for his pocket money.

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5. Michael Jordan is the highest paid athlete in US. If he doesn't drink and eat, and keeps up his annual income i.e. US$30 Million, he'll have to wait for 277 years to become as rich as Bill Gates is now.
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6. If Bill Gates was a country, he would be the 37th richest country on earth.
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7. If you change all of Bill Gate's money to US$1 notes, you can make a road from earth to moon, 14 times back and forth. But you have to make that road non-stop for 1,400 years, and use a total of 713 BOEING 747 planes to transport all the money.
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8. Bill Gates is 40 this year. If we assume that he will live for another 35 years, he has to spend US$6.78 Million per day to finish all his money before he can go to heaven.
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Last but not the least: If Microsoft Windows' users can claim US$1 for every time their computers hang because of Microsoft Windows, Bill Gates will be bankrupt in 3 years !!!!!!! !!!

Good Morning India !

TEAM SPIRIT :-

There was a farmer who grew superior quality and award-winning corn.
Each year he entered his corn in the state fair where it won honour
and prizes.
One year a newspaper reporter interviewed him and learnt something
interesting about how he grew it. The reporter discovered that the
farmer shared his seed corn with his neighbours'.
"How can you afford to share your best seed corn with your neighbours
when they are entering corn in competition with yours each year?" the
reporter asked.
"Why sir, "said the farmer, "didn't you know? The wind picks up pollen
from the ripening corn and swirls it from field to field. If my
neighbours grow inferior, sub-standard and poor quality corn,
cross-pollination will steadily degrade the quality of my corn.
If I am to grow good corn, I must help my neighbours grow good corn."
The farmer gave a superb insight into the connectedness of life. His
corn cannot improve unless his neighbour's corn also improves. So it
is in the other dimensions! Those who choose to be at harmony must
help their neighbours and colleagues to be at peace. Those who choose
to live well must help others to live well. The value of a life is
measured by the lives it touches.
SUCCESS DOES NOT HAPPEN IN ISOLATION. IT IS VERY OFTEN A PARTICIPATIVE
AND COLLECTIVE PROCESS.

T Together
E Everyone
A Achieves
M More

Sunday, March 29, 2009

Let's face it - English is a crazy language !!!

In what other language do people drive in a parkway and park in a driveway?
Why does night fall but never break and day break but never fall?
Why is it that when we transport something by car, it's called a shipment, but when we transport something by ship, it's called cargo?
Why are people who ride motorcycles called bikers and people who ride bikes called cyclists?
In what other language do thay call the third hand on the clock the second hand?
Why is it called a TV set when you get only one?

Why - in our crazy language - can your nose run and your feet smell?

Sometimes you have to believe that all English speakers should be committed to an asylum for the verbally insane:
If olive oil is made of olives, what do they make baby oil from?
If a vegetarian eats vegetables, what does a humanitarian consume?
A writer is someone who writes, and a stinger is something that stings.
But fingers don't fing and grocers don't groce.
If the plural of tooth is teeth, shouldn't the plural of booth be beeth?
If the teacher taught, why isn't it also true that the preacher praught?
If harmless actions are the opposite of harmful actions, why are shameless and shameful behavior the same?
English is a language in which you can turn a light on and you can turn a light off and you can turn a light out, but you can't turn a light in;
In which the sun comes up and goes down, but prices go up and come down.
In which your nose can simultaneously burn up and burn down and your car can slow up and slow down, in which you can fill in a form by filling out a form and in which your alarm clock goes off by going on.
English is a crazy language. What is it that when the sun or the moon or the stars are out, they are visible, but when the lights are out, they are invisible?; and why when I wind up my watch, I start it, but when I wind up this essay, I shall end it?

Astrological prayers !!!

Aries
Dear God, please give me patience... and could you do it right now?
***********
Taurus
Dear God, help me accept change, but not too quick.
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Gemini
Dear God! Who is God? Where is God? Why is God?
***********
Cancer
Dear God!!!
***********
Leo
Yes?
***********
Virgo
Dear God, please make us perfect and don't mess it up like You did the last time.
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Libra
Dear God, please help me to be decisive, but on the other hand, what do you think is best?
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Scorpio
Our Father, forgive us our debts as we forgive our debtors, even though the b*****ds don't deserve it!
***********
Sagittarius
Dear Lord, if I've told you once, I've told you a million times, help me stop exaggerating.
***********
Capricorn

Dear God! I'd like to ask you to help me, but I learned a long time ago not to rely on anyone else!
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Aquarius

Dear God, I know I like change, but this chaos is ridiculous!!
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Pisces

Dear Lord, as long as I'm going to drink this fifth of Scotch tonight, please use the stimulation for Thy glory.
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Wasted Suicide !!!

A blonde, socially ridiculed decided to hang herself from a tree in the park and commit suicide.
A little bit later, an old lady walked around noticed her hanging from the rope and swinging.
She asked her what she was doing and if she needed any help.
The blonde firmly replied, "I am committing suicide by hanging."
The old lady says, "You are doing it wrong sweetie, put the noose around your neck not the Waist."
The blonde responses, "Ya giving me trouble again, I tried that, "but I could not breathe."

Good Morning India !

One Early morning a mother went to her sleeping son and woke him up.
MOM: "Wake up, son. It's time to go to school."
SON: "But why, Mama? I don't want to go to school."
MOM: "Give me two reasons why you don't want to go to school."
SON: "One, all the children hate me. Two, all the teachers hate me."
MOM: "Oh! that's not a reason. Come on, you have to go to school."
SON: "Give me two good reasons WHY I *should* go to school?"
MOM: "One, you are FIFTY-TWO years old. Two, you are the PRINCIPAL of the school."

Saturday, March 28, 2009

Future Fireman

A guy meets a childhood pal.
"What are you doing for yourself these days?"
"I'm a fireman."
"Oh yeah? My 15-year-old kid wants to be a fireman."
"Well, if you want some good advice, you've got to install in your house a pole that will go to the basement so your kid can practice, 'cause the hardest thing for a fireman is to jump off into space and catch that pole in the middle of the night."
Ten years later, the two guys happen to meet again.
"Well, did your son become a fireman?"
"No, but I have two daughters who are "dancers."

Punishment Air Force Style

A US Air Force C-141 is scheduled to leave Thule Air Base, Greenland at midnight. During the pilot's pre-flight check, he discovers that the latrine holding tank is still full from the last flight.
So a message is sent to the base and an airman who was off duty is called out to take care of it.
This guy finds that the latrine pump truck has been left outdoors and is frozen solid, so he must find another one in the hangar, which takes even more time. He returns to the aircraft and is less than enthusiastic about what he has to do.
Nevertheless, he goes about the pumping job deliberately and carefully (and slowly) so as not to risk criticism later.
As he's leaving the plane, the pilot stops him and says, "Son, your attitude and performance has caused this flight to be late and I'm going to personally see to it that you are not just reprimanded but punished".
Shivering in the cold, his task finished, he takes a deep breath,
stands up tall and says, "Sir, with all due respect, I'm not your son; I'm an Airman in the United States Air Force. I've been in Thule, Greenland, for 11 months without any leave, and reindeers' asses are beginning to look pretty good to me. I have one stripe; it's two-thirty in the morning, the temperature is 40 degrees below zero, and my job here is to pump shit out of an aircraft.
Now, just exactly what form of punishment did you have in mind?"

Good Morning India !

Office Phrases - new definitions. [ office humor ]

Commonly Used Phrases at the Office and... What they really mean!
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1. For your information, please. (FYI)
Meaning: I don't know what to do with this, so please keep it.
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2. Noted and returned.
Meaning: I don't know what to do with this, so please keep it little while.
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3. Review and comment.

Meaning: Do the dirty work so that I can forward it.
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4. Action please.
Meaning: Get yourself involved for me. Don't worry, I'll claim the credit.
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5. For your necessary action.
Meaning: It's your headache now.
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6. Copy to.
Meaning: Here's a share of my headache.
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7. For your approval, please.
Meaning: Put your neck on the chopping board for me please.
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8. Action is being taken.
Meaning: Your correspondence is lost and I am trying to locate it.
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9. Your letter is receiving our attention.
Meaning: I am trying to figure out what you want.
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10. Please discuss.
Meaning: I don't know what the hell this is, so please brief me.
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11. For your immediate action.

Meaning: Do it NOW! Or I will get into serious trouble.
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12. Please reply soon.
Meaning: Please be efficient. It makes me look inefficient.
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13. We are investigating/processing your request with the relevant authorities.

Meaning: They are causing the delay, not us.
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14. Regards.
Meaning: Thanks and bless you for reading all the crap.

Thursday, March 26, 2009

Principles of life !!!

Never Loose hope






















Principles of life

* Winning isn't everything. But wanting to win is.
* You would achieve more, if you don't mind who gets the credit.
* When everything else is lost, the future still remains.

* Don't fight too much. Or the enemy would know your art of war.

* The only job you start at the top is when you dig a grave.
* If you don't stand for something, you'll fall for everything.
* If you do little things well, you'll do big ones better.
* Only thing that comes to you without effort is old age.
* You won't get a second chance to make the first impression.
* Only those who do nothing do not make mistakes.
* Never take a problem to your boss unless you have a solution.
* If you are not failing you're not taking enough risks.
* Don't try to get rid of bad temper by losing it.
* If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.
* Those who don't make mistakes usually don't make anything
* There are two kinds of failures. Those who think and never do, and those who do and never think.
* Pick battles big enough to matter, small enough to win.
* All progress has resulted from unpopular decisions.
* Change your thoughts and you change your world.
* Understanding proves intelligence, not the speed of the learning.
* There are two kinds of fools in this world. Those who give advise and those who don't take it.
* The best way to kill an idea is to take it to a meeting.
* Management is doing things right. Leadership is doing the right things.
* Friendship founded on business is always better than business founded on friendship.

Science Exam !!!

If you need a good laugh, try reading through these children's science exam answers. Some of them are hysterical.

Q: Name the four seasons.
A: Salt, pepper, mustard and vinegar.
Q: Explain one of the processes by which water can be made safe to drink.
A: Flirtation makes water safe to drink because it removes large pollutants like grit, sand, dead sheep and canoeists.
Q: How is dew formed?
A: The sun shines down on the leaves and makes them perspire.
Q: How can you delay milk turning sour? (brilliant, love this!)
A: Keep it in the cow.
Q: What causes the tides in the oceans?
A: The tides are a fight between the Earth and the Moon. All water tends to flow towards the moon, because there is no water on the moon, and nature hates a vacuum. I forget where the sun joins in this fight.
Q: What are steroids?
A: Things for keeping carpets still on the stairs.
Q: What happens to your body as you age?
A: When you get old, so do your bowels and you get intercontinental.
Q: What happens to a boy when he reaches puberty?
A: He says good-bye to his boyhood and looks forward to his adultery.
Q: Name a major disease associated with cigarettes.
A: Premature death.
Q: How are the main parts of the body categorized? ( e.g., abdomen)
A: The body is consisted into three parts -- the brainium, the borax and the abdominal cavity. The brainium contains the brain; the borax contains the heart and lungs, and the abdominal cavity contains the five bowels A, E, I, O, and U.
Q: What is the fibula?
A: A small lie.
Q: What does 'varicose' mean? (I do love this one...)
A: Nearby.
Q: Give the meaning of the term 'Caesarian Section.'
A: The Caesarian Section is a district in Rome
Q: What does the word 'benign' mean?'
A: Benign is what you will be after you be eight

Interesting Definitions !!!

School:
A place where Papa Pays and Son Plays.
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Life Insurance:
A contract that keeps you poor all your life so that you can die Rich.
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Nurse:
A person who works up to give you sleeping pills.
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Love Affairs:
Something like the game of Cricket where one-day internationals are more popular than a five day test match.
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Marriage:
It's an agreement in which a man loses his bachelor degree and a woman gains her masters.
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Divorce:
Future tense of Marriage.
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Tears:
The hydraulic force by which masculine willpower is defeated by feminine waterpower.
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Lecture:
An art of transferring information from the notes of the Lecturer to the notes of the students without passing through "the minds of either"
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Conference
:
The confusion of one man multiplied by the number present.
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Compromise
:
The art of dividing a cake in such a way that everybody believes he got the biggest piece.
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Dictionary:
A place where success comes before work.
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Conference Room:

A place where everybody talks, nobody listens and everybody disagrees later on.
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Classic:
Books, which people praise, but do not read.
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Smile:
A curve that can set a lot of things straight.
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Office
:
A place where you can relax after your strenuous home life.
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Yawn:
The only time some married men ever get to open their mouth.
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Etc.:
A sign to make others believe that you know more than you actually do.
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Committee
:
Individuals who can do nothing individually and sit to decide that nothing can be done together.
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Experience:
The name men give to their mistakes.
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Atom Bomb:
An invention to end all inventions.
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Philosopher:
A fool who torments himself during life, to be spoken of when dead.
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Diplomat:
A person who tells you to go to hell in such a way that you actually look forward to the trip.
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Opportunist:
A person who starts taking bath if he accidentally falls into a river.
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Optimist:
A person who while falling from Eiffel tower says in midway "See I am not injured yet."
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Miser:
A person who lives poor so that he can die rich.
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Father:
A banker provided by nature.
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Criminal
:
A guy no different from the rest....except that he got caught.
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Boss:
Someone who is early when you are late and late when you are early.
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Politician:
One who shakes your hand before elections and your Confidence after.
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Doctor
:
A person who kills your ills by pills, and kills you by bills.

Good Morning India !

INTERVIEW:-

Story I

E: Do u have a boyfriend?
C: I have.
E: Is he working Locally?
C: No. He is working Overseas.
E: Sorry, my company cannot employ u !
C: Why?
E: U will not be able to settle down here permanently. And my Company don't want to pay extra expenses on the Overseas calls just because of u.
*********

Story II

E: Any girl friends?
C: No.
E: So far chased any before?
C: Have, but not successful.
E: Ever think of getting a job first then start looking for a girlfriend?
C: Career is first priority. Currently didn't want to consider This personal issue.
E: Sorry, my company cannot employ u.
C: Why?
E: You are lacking of P.R skills and confidence!!
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Story III
E: Any girlfriends?
C: Yes.
E: Is she pretty?
C: Not quite.
E: Sorry, my company cannot employ you.
C: Why? Will this affect your company's reputation?
E: No, it does not affect the company's reputation but because My company is dealing with arts, our company requested an artist.
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Story IV
E: Any girlfriends?
C: Yes.
E: Is she pretty?
C: yes
E: Is she your first lover?
C: Yes.
E: Sorry, we can't employ you because you lack of fighting spirit.
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Story V

E: Any girlfriends?
C: Yes.
E: Is she your first lover?
C: No. Have a few already.
E: Sorry, my company cannot employ you because you are a "grasshopper"! (Job hoper lah!)
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Story VI
E: Any boyfriends?
C: Yes.
E: Is he rich?
C: No.
E: Then sorry, my company cannot employ you because our Company is dealing with money and you will seduce.
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Story VII
E: Any boyfriends?
C: Yes.
E: Is he rich ?
C: Yes, very rich.He owns a company.
E: Sorry, we cannot employ you because your boyfriend don't Even want to employ you, neither do we!
C: But,...... there is no position in his company.
E: Then,..... what is your qualification?
C: Secretary!
E: Sorry, we still cannot employ you because your prettiness Will affect your managers' working spirits.
C: But,...... I am not pretty at all.
E: It is even worse because my managers will not be interested In you!

Wednesday, March 25, 2009

Three Examinations special

1) Special offer........ Bring a chit on exam day, scratch and show it to your nearest teacher and win free trip to Principal's office and enjoy 3 years vacation at home.
Hurry offer valid until exams only....
2) It takes 15 trees to produce the amount of paper that we use to write our exam once (excluding supplementary). Join us in promoting the noble cause of saving trees.
Say NO to EXAMS
3) Student's declaration at the end of answer paper. It Reminds me of Disclaimer Notices!
"I hereby declare that answers written above r true 2 the best of mine & my friend's knowledge & I claim no responsibility whatsoever 4 any mistakes. Whatever I have written is truly fictitious & any resemblance with the Subject Matter is purely Coincidental."

Ideal ORKUT profile of a Software Engineer !!!

About me: I think I am changing the world, but I am not. I think I am contributing to the Indian economy, but I guess I am not. I think I love my work, but I do not. I think I hate all people who made me earn my engineering degree, and I do. I think I am living, but and most importantly, I am LOOKING for someone to make me live !! Ok...I won't be funny anymore. I am a cool guy with a zeal to enjoy life (For all those who know me--> "Just stop laughing!!")
Relationship status : what?
Birthday : The day my PL is about to fire me.
Age : 10111
1111
111
Here for: web browsing in company hours.
Children : can't be (hey, don't get me wrong here!!)
Ethnicity : Programmer.
Languages I speak : Java, C/C++, 010101110101
Religion: I get holidays on all religious festivals, so I love all religions.
Political view : the guy sitting beside me is a pig!!
Humor : weekly.
Fashion: Ask my company HR. Btw, I like jeans, t-shirt and a cross-bag.
Smoking: The second greatest pleasure on the earth.
Drinking : The first is this.
Pets: Yeah, my PL looks like a dog. :-)
Living: Cummon, this is a stupid one. How can this be asked to a software engineer? Believe me, I am living!!
Hometown : My company (Oh God! Please bring my appraiser to this page)
Webpage: http://naukri.com, http://jobsahead.com – Isn't it Ultimate???
Passions: searching for the cheapest pub around, cursing my company, looking for other company, remembering my good old college days, worrying about my future.
Sports: quake, CS (Counter Strike), computer chess.
Activities: Are you crazy?
Books: "How to lose weight in 20 days?", "How to live a happy life?", "101 ways to attract a girl", "Java Unleashed", "C++ at your footsteps", Others censored.
Music: Metallica, Pink Floyd, Nirvana, ACDC, and anything depressing.
Tv shows : can't afford one.
Cuisines : Bread Butter, Maggi, anything available within 200 meteres of my cubicle...

18 rules for Life !!!

1. Pursue Achievable Goals
2. Keep Genuine Smiles
3. Share with Others
4. Help Thy Neighbors
5.Maintain a Youthful Spirit
6. Get Along with the Rich, the Poor, the Beautiful, &the Ugly
7. Keep Cool Under Pressure
8 . Lighten the Atmosphere with Humor
9. Forgive the Annoyance of Others
10. Have a Few Pals
11. Cooperate and Reap Greater Rewards
12. Treasure Every Moment with Your Love Ones
13. Have High Confidence in Yourself
14. Respect the Disadvantaged
15. Indulge Yourself Occasionally
16. Surf the Net at Leisure
17. Take Calculated Risks
18. Understand "Money Isn't Everything"

Famous Quotes about Wives

I recently read that love is entirely a matter of chemistry. That must be why my wife treats me like toxic waste.

David Bissonette

********
When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than to let him keep her.
Sacha Guitry
********
After marriage, husband and wife become two sides of a coin; they just can't face each other, but still they stay together.
Hemant Joshi
********
By all means marry. If you get a good wife, you'll be happy. If you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher.
Socrates
********
Woman inspires us to great things, and prevents us from achieving them.
Dumas
********
The great question... which I have not been able to answer... is, "What does a woman want?
Sigmund Freud
********
I had some words with my wife, and she had some paragraphs with me.
Anonymous
********
"Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. We take time to go to a restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight, dinner, soft music and dancing. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays."
Henny Youngman
********
"I don't worry about terrorism. I was married for two years."
Sam Kinison
********
"There's a way of transferring funds that is even faster than electronic banking. It's called marriage."
James Holt McGavran
********
"I've had bad luck with both my wives. The first one left me, and the second one didn't."
Patrick Murray
********
Two secrets to keep your marriage brimming
1. Whenever you're wrong, admit it,
2. Whenever you're right, shut up.
Nash
********
The most effective way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it once...
Anonymous
********
You know what I did before I married? Anything I wanted to.
Henny Youngman
********
My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met.
Rodney Dangerfield
********
A good wife always forgives her husband when she's wrong.
Milton Berle
********
Marriage is the only war where one sleeps with the enemy.
Anonymous
********
A man inserted an 'ad' in the classifieds: "Wife wanted". Next day he received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing: "You can have mine."
Anonymous
********
First Guy (proudly): "My wife's an angel!"
Second Guy: "You're lucky, mine's still alive."

How old is Grandma ?

One evening, a boy was talking to his grandmother about current events.
The boy asked his grandmother what she thought about the shootings at schools, the computer age, and just things in general.
Grandma replied,
"Well, let me think a minute, I was born before:
Television.
Penicillin.
Polio Shots.
Frozen Foods.
Xerox Machines.
Contact Lenses.
Frisbees.
The Pill.

There were no:
Credit Cards.
Laser Beams.
Ball-point Pens

Man had not invented:
Pantyhose.
Air Conditioners.
Dishwashers.
Clothes Dryers - The clothes were hung out to dry in the fresh air.
and man hadn't yet walked on the moon.
Your Grandfather and I got married first, and then lived together.
Every family had a father and a mother.
Until I was 25, I called every man older than me, "Sir". And after I turned 25, I still called policemen and every man with a title "Sir."
We were before gay rights, computer dating, dual careers, day care centers, and group therapy.
Our lives were governed by the Ten Commandments, good judgment, and common sense.
We were taught to know the difference between right and wrong and to stand up and take responsibility for our actions.
Serving your country was a privilege; living in this country was a bigger privilege.
We thought fast food was what people ate during Lent.
Having a meaningful relationship meant getting along with your cousins.
Draft dodgers were people who closed their front doors when the evening breeze started.
Time-sharing meant time the family spent together in the evenings and weekends - not purchasing condominiums.
We never heard of FM radios, tape decks, VCRs, CDs, electric typewriters, computers, I-pods, DVDs, cell-phones, yogurt, or guys wearing earrings.
We listened to the Big Bands, Jack Benny, and the President's speeches on our radios.
And I don't ever remember any kid blowing his brains out listening to Tommy Dorsey.
If you saw anything with 'Made in Japan' on it, it was junk.
The term 'making out' referred to how you did on your school exam.
Pizza Hut, McDonald's, and instant coffee were unheard of.
We had 5 & 10-cent stores where you could actually buy things for 5 and 10 cents.
Ice cream cones, phone calls, rides on a streetcar, and a Pepsi were all a nickel.
And if you didn't want to splurge, you could spend your nickel on enough stamps to mail 1 letter and 2 postcards.
You could buy a new Chevy Coupe for $600... but who could afford one?
Too bad, because gas was 11 cents a gallon.

In my day:
"grass" was mowed.
"coke" was a cold drink.
"pot" was something your mother cooked in and
"rock music" was your grandmother's lullaby.
"Aids" were helpers in the Principal's office
"chip" meant a piece of wood
"hardware" was found in a hardware store and
"software" wasn't even a word.
And we were the last generation to actually believe that a lady needed a husband to have a baby.
No wonder people call us "old and confused" and say there is a generation gap... and how old do you think I am ?"

Grandma would be only 58 years old.

Good Morning India !

Shown below, is an actual letter that was sent to a bank by a 96 year old woman. The bank manager thought it amusing enough to have it published in the New York Times.
**********
Dear Sir:
I am writing to thank you for bouncing my check with which I endeavored to Pay my plumber last month. By my calculations, three nanoseconds must have Elapsed between his presenting the check and the arrival in my account of The funds needed to honor it.
I refer, of course, to the automatic monthly deposit of my Entire salary, an arrangement which, I admit, has been in place for only Eight years.
You are to be commended for seizing that brief window of Opportunity, and also for debiting my account $30 by way of penalty for The inconvenience caused to your bank.
My thankfulness springs from the manner in which this incident has caused Me to rethink my errant financial ways.
I noticed that whereas I Personally attend to your telephone calls and letters, when I try to contact you, I am confronted by the impersonal, overcharging prerecorded, faceless entity Which your bank has be come.
From now on, I, like you, choose only to deal with a flesh and blood Person. My mortgage and loan repayments will therefore and hereafter no Longer be automatic, but will arrive at your bank, by check, addressed Personally and confidentially to an employee at your bank whom you must Nominate. Be aware that it is an offense under the Postal Act for any Other person to open such an envelope.
Please find attached an Application Contact Status which I require your Chosen employee to complete. I am sorry it runs to eight pages, but in Order that I know as much about him or her as your bank knows about me, There is no alternative. Please note that all copies of his or her medical History must be countersigned by a Notary Public, and the mandatory Details of his/her financial situation (income, debts, assets and liabilities) Must be accompanied by documented proof.
In due course, I will issue your employee with a PIN number which he/she Must quote in dealings with me. I regret that it cannot be shorter than 28 Digits but, again, I have modeled it on the number of button presses Required of me to access my account balance on your phone bank service. As They say, imitation is the sincerest form of flattery.
Let me level the playing field even further. When you call me, press Buttons as follows:
1. To make an appointment to see me
2. To query a missing payment.
3. To transfer the call to my living room in case I am there
4. To transfer the call to my bedroom in case I am sleeping.
5. To transfer the call to my toilet in case I am attending to nature.
6. To transfer the call to my mobile phone if I am not at home
7. To leave a message on my computer, a password to access my computer is Required. Password will be communicated to you at a later date to the Authorized Contact.
8. To return to the main menu and to listen to options 1 through 7.
9. To make a general complaint or inquiry. The contact will then be put On hold, pending the attention of my automated answering service.
Uplifting music will play for the duration of the call. While this may, on Occasion, involve a lengthy wait, Regrettably, but again following your Example, I must also levy an establishment fee to cover the setting up of This new arrangement.
May I wish you a happy, if ever so slightly less Prosperous New Year?

Your Humble Client

(Remember: This was written by a 96 year old woman )

Tuesday, March 24, 2009

Life before computers !!!

An application was for employment
A program was a TV show
A cursor used profanity
And a keyboard was on a piano!

Memory was something that you lost with age
And a CD was a bank account
And if you had a corrupted disk
It would hurt when you found out!

Compress was what you did to garbage
Not something you did to a file
And if you unzipped anything in public
You'd be in jail for a while!

Log on was adding wood to a fire
A hard drive was a trip on the road
A mouse pad was where a mouse lived
And a backup happened to the commode!

Cutting, you did with a pocket knife,
Pasting, you did with glue.
The Web was where a spider lived
And a virus was the flu!

Cool one-liners !!!

If you're too lazy to start anything, you may get a reputation for patience.
.......
I'm on a seafood diet. Every time I see food, I eat it.
.......
I talk to myself because I like dealing with a better class of people.
.......
Never try to drown your troubles... especially if he can swim.
.......
Smile, it makes people wonder what you're thinking.
.......
Don't be so open-minded your brains fall out.
.......
A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops. On my desk I have a work station.
.......
By the time a man realizes that his father was usually right, he has a son who thinks he's usually wrong.
.......
Teachers are those who help us in resolving problems which, without them, we wouldn't have.
.......
There are two theories to arguing with women. Neither one works.
.......
Marriages are made in heaven. But so again, are thunder and lightning.
.......
There are three sides to every argument: your side,my side and the right side.
.......
An expert is someone who takes a subject you understand and makes it sound confusing.
.......
When you're right, no one remembers. When you're wrong, no one forgets.
.......
Always remember that you are absolutely unique. Just like everyone else.
.......
They say hard work never killed anyone, but why take the chance.
*******

Wife from Hell !!!

A police officer pulls over a speeding car. The officer says, I clocked you at 80 miles per hour, sir.”The driver says, “Gee, officer I had it on cruise control at 60, perhaps your radar gun needs calibrating.”
Not looking up from her knitting the wife says: “Now don’t be silly dear, you know that this car doesn’t have cruise control.”As the officer writes out the ticket, the driver looks over at his wife and growls, “Can’t you please keep your mouth shut for once?”
The wife smiles demurely and says, “You should be thankful your radar detector went off when it did.”As the officer makes out the second ticket for the illegal radar detector unit, the man glowers at his wife and says through clenched teeth, “Darn it, woman, can’t you keep your mouth shut?”
The officer frowns and says, “And I notice that you’re not wearing your seat belt, sir. That’s an automatic $75 fine.”The driver says, “Yeah, well, you see officer, I had it on, but took it off when you pulled me over so that I could get my license out of my back pocket.”
The wife says, “Now, dear, you know very well that you didn’t have your seat belt on. You never wear your seat belt when you’re driving.”
And as the police officer is writing out the third ticket the driver turns to his wife and barks, “WHY DON’T YOU PLEASE SHUT UP??”
The officer looks over at the woman and asks, “Does your husband always talk to you this way, Ma’am?”

U'll love this part....
'Only when he's been drinking.'

How guys select the girl!!!!!

A man is dating three women and wants to decide which to marry.
He decides to give them a test. He gives each woman a present of $5,000 and watches to see what they do with the money.
The first does a total makeover. She goes to a fancy beauty salon, gets her hair done, purchases new make-up and buys several new outfits, and dresses up very nicely for the man.
She tells him that she has done this to be more attractive for him because she loves him so much.
The man is impressed.

The second goes shopping to buy the man gifts.

She gets him a new set of STRONG golf clubs, some new gizmos for his computer, and some expensive clothes.As she presents these gifts, she tells him that she has spent all the money on him because she loves him so much.

Again, the man is impressed.
The third invests the money in the stock market.
She earns several times the $5,000. She gives him back his $5000 and reinvests the remainder in a joint account.
She tells him that she wants to save for their future because she loves him so much.
Obviously, the man was impressed.
The man thought for a long time about what each woman had done with the money.
Guess which lady he chose to marry?
Think like a man . . .
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
He married the most beautiful one!!!!!!
Men are Men.... Obviously!!! :

A Simple Calculation !

Amazing Growth of INFOSYS
We all know about the growth story of Infosys. How about the stock? Lets find out.
Infosys was founded by Narayana Murthy along with some others in 1981. It came with an IPO in 1993 at the price of Rs. 95.

Everybody who applied got the shares. Many missed the Diamond opportunity by not applying. Suppose that a person applied for 100 Shares. It would cost him Rs. 9500.

Let us assume that he is holding the same position till today. What will be the value now?
Let us calculate.
Remember that in these 13 years Infosys would have offered many dividends.
Let us keep this aside and calculate the value of shares alone. Soon after IPO, Infy gave 1:1 bonus in 1994.
So, our 100 shares will be 200 in 1994. Again they gave 1:1 bonus in 1996.
That will take the count to 400 shares. And again in 1998 they offered bonus of 1:3 shares. That will take our count to 1600 shares.
In 2000, they split the stocks (Rs. 10 FC to Rs. 5 FC). This will take our count to 3200 shares. In 2004, again they announced 1:1 bonus. It will take our count to 6400 shares.
Recently, two months back they gave bonus shares in the ratio of 1:1. Now, the count of ours would be 12800.
Today(13/10/2006), I checked the CMP of Infosys. Its Rs. 2070. So, what will be the value of our shares?
12800 x 2070 = Rs. 2,64,96,000. Yes, its Two Crores Sixty Four Lakh and Ninety Six Thousand only.
What other investment would have taken to this level? Real-Estate? Bank Deposit? Gold? I don't think so.
A Bank deposit of Rs. 9500 in the same year at the rate of 12% would have hardly fetched us Rs.38,000 by this time.
Can u find ONE MORE INFOSYS..................now and tell me also :)

Yes it is true that.....

1. Earth weighs 5,972,000,000,000,000,000,000 tons.
2. 259200 people die every day.
3. 11% of the world is left-handed.
4. Right-handed people, on an average, live nine years longer than left-handed people.

50 Facts each of you to know....

1 The word "queue" is the only word in the English language that is still pronounced the same way when the last four letters are removed.
*************
2 Beetles taste like apples, wasps like pine nuts, and worms like fried bacon.
*************
3 Of all the words in the English language, the word 'set' has the most definitions!
*************
5 "Almost" is the longest word in the English language with all the letters in alphabetical order.
*************
6 "Rhythm" is the longest English word without a vowel.
*************
7 In 1386, a pig in France was executed by public hanging for the murder of a child
*************
8 A cockroach can live several weeks with its head cut off!
*************
9 Human thigh bones are stronger than concrete.
*************
10 You can't kill yourself by holding your breath
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11 There is a city called Rome on every continent.
*************
12 It's against the law to have a pet dog in Iceland!
*************
13 Your heart beats over 100,000 times a day!
*************
14 Horatio Nelson, one of England's most illustrious admirals was throughout his life, never able to find a cure for his sea-sickness.
*************
15 The skeleton of Jeremy Bentham is present at all important meetings of the University of London
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16 Right handed people live, on average, nine years longer than left-handed people
*************
17 Your ribs move about 5 million times a year, everytime you breathe!
*************
18 The elephant is the only mammal that can't jump!
*************
19 One quarter of the bones in your body, are in your feet!
*************
20 Like fingerprints, everyone's tongue print is different!
*************
21 The first known transfusion of blood was performed as early as 1667, when Jean-Baptiste, transfused two pints of blood from a sheep to a young man
*************
22 Fingernails grow nearly 4 times faster than toenails! Most dust particles in your house are made from dead skin!
*************
23 The present population of 5 billion plus people of the world is predicted to become 15 billion by 2080.
*************
24 A Women blink nearly twice as much as men.
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25 Adolf Hitler was a vegetarian, and had only ONE testicle.
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26 Honey is the only food that does not spoil. Honey found in the tombs of Egyptian pharaohs has been tasted by archaeologists and found edible.
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27 Months that begin on a Sunday will always have a "Friday the 13th."
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28 Coca-Cola would be green if colouring weren't added to it.
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29 On average a hedgehog's heart beats 300 times a minute.
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30 More people are killed each year from bees than from snakes.
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31 The average lead pencil will draw a line 35 miles long or write approximately 50,000 English words.
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32More people are allergic to cow's milk than any other food.
*************
33Camels have three eyelids to protect themselves from blowing sand.
*************
34 The placement of a donkey's eyes in its' heads enables it to see all four feet at all times!
*************
35The six official languages of the United Nations are: English, French, Arabic, Chinese, Russian and Spanish.
*************
36 Earth is the only planet not named after a god.
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37 It's against the law to burp, or sneeze in a church in Nebraska, USA.
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38 You're born with 300 bones, but by the time you become an adult, you only have 206.
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39 Some worms will eat themselves if they can't find any food!
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40 Dolphins sleep with one eye open!
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41 It is impossible to sneeze with your eyes open
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42 The worlds oldest piece of chewing gum is 9000 years old!
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43 The longest recorded flight of a chicken is 13 seconds
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44 Queen Elizabeth I regarded herself as a paragon of cleanliness. She declared that she bathed once every three months, whether she needed it or not
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45 Slugs have 4 noses.
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46 Owls are the only birds who can see the colour blue.
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47 A man named Charles Osborne had the hiccups for 69 years!
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48 A giraffe can clean its ears with its 21-inch tongue!
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49 The average person laughs 10 times a day!
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50 An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain
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Sunday, March 22, 2009

HONESTY IS STILL THE BEST POLICY !

Once a general manager wanted to test his people who had come from all over India, about their values of life.
He announced that in their seminar folder, there is PVC pouch and in it there is a seed. When they return, they must put it in a good soil in a pot and look after it very well.
He would hold a competition in the next year's seminar and that the best plants would be awarded suitably.

Everyone did what was told to him. A year passed quickly. And next year in a big hall, there were hundreds of pots and a great variety of plants-a great scene.

Except one pot in which the soil was there and no plant! The owner was standing quietly and seemingly ashamed of himself!

The general manager called him on the stage. He asked him what happened and he told him the truth. He planted the seed which he was given – and did that was to be done- but nothing happened!
The general manager declared him the winner!
Everyone was shocked. It was announced, "Gentlemen! The seeds I gave you were boiled seeds. You planted them and nothing happened! You acted smartly and used some other seeds.
This man was honest to his work and, therefore he did not cheat me or himself!"

The Silversmith Story :-

One of the women offered to find out the process of refining silver and get back to the group at their next Bible Study.
That week, the woman called a silversmith and made an appointment to watch him at work. She didn't mention anything about the reason for her interest beyond her curiosity about the process of refining silver.

As she watched the silversmith, he held a piece of silver over the fire and let it heat up. He explained that in refining silver, one needed to hold the silver in the middle of the fire where the flames were hottest as to burn away all the impurities.

The woman thought about God holding us in such a hot spot; then she thought again about the verse that says: "He sits as a refiner and purifier of silver." She asked the silversmith if it was true that he had to sit there in front of the fire the whole time the silver was being refined.

The man answered that yes, he not only had to sit there holding the silver, but he had to keep his eyes on the silver the entire time it was in the fire. If the silver was left a moment too long in the flames, it would be destroyed.
The woman was silent for a moment. Then she asked the silversmith, "How do you know when the silver is fully refined?"
He smiled at her and answered, "Oh, that's easy -- when I see my image in it"
If today you are feeling the heat of the fire, remember that God has his eye on you and will keep watching you until He sees His image in you.
****************
Pass this on right now. This very moment, someone needs to know that God is watching over them.
And, whatever they're going through, they'll be a better person in the end.
"Life is a coin. You can spend it anyway you wish, but you can only spend it once."

B R I C K S :-

About ten years ago, a young and very successful executive named Josh was traveling down a Chicago neighborhood street.
He was going a bit too fast in his sleek, black, 12 cylinder Jaguar XKE, which was only two months old.
He was watching for kids darting out from between parked cars and slowed down when he thought he saw something.
As his car passed, no child darted out, but a brick sailed out and - WHUMP! - it smashed Into the Jag's shiny black side door! SCREECH..!!!! Brakes slammed! Gears ground into reverse, and tires madly spun the Jaguar back to the spot from where the brick had been thrown.
Josh jumped out of the car, grabbed the kid and pushed him up against a parked car. He shouted at the kid, "What was that all about and who are you? Just what the heck are you doing?!" Building up a head of steam, he went on. "That's my new Jag, that brick you threw is gonna cost you a lot of money. Why did you throw it?"
"Please, mister, please. . . I'm sorry! I didn't know what else to do!" Pleaded the youngster. "I threw the brick because no one else would stop!"
Tears were dripping down the boy's chin as he pointed around the parked car.
"It's my brother, mister," he said. "He rolled off the curb and fell out of his wheelchair and I can't lift him up." Sobbing, the boy asked the executive, "Would you please help me get him back into his wheelchair? He's hurt and he's too heavy for me."
Moved beyond words, the young executive tried desperately to swallow the rapidly swelling lump in his throat. Straining, he lifted the young man back into the wheelchair and took out his handkerchief and wiped the scrapes and cuts, checking to see that everything was going to be OK.
He then watched the younger brother push him down the sidewalk toward their home.
It was a long walk back to the sleek, black, shining, 12 cylinder Jaguar XKE -a long and slow walk. Josh never did fix the side door of his Jaguar.
He kept the dent to remind him not to go through life so fast that someone has to throw a brick at him to get his attention. . .
Some bricks are softer than others. Feel for the bricks of life coming at to you. For all the negative things we have to say to ourselves, God has positive answers.

KISS -Definition :-

Prof .of Economics
Kiss is that thing for which the demand is aways higher than the supply.
*******
Prof. of Accountancy
Kiss is a credit because it is profitable when returned.
*******
Prof. of Algebra
Kiss is infinity because two divided by nothing.
*******
Prof. of Geometry

Kiss is the shortest distance between two lips.
*******
Prof. of Physics
Kiss is the contraction of mouth due to the expansion of the heart.
*******
Prof. of Chemistry
Kiss is the reaction of the interaction between two hearts.
*******
Prof. of Zoology
Kiss is the interchange of salivary bacteria.
*******
Prof. of Physiology
Kiss is the juxtaposition of two orbicularisoris muscles in the state of contraction.
*******
Prof. of Dentistry

Kiss is infectious and antiseptic.
*******
Prof. of Philosophy
Kiss is the persecution for the child, ecstasy for the youth and homage for the old.
*******
Prof. of English

Kiss is a noun that is used as a conjunction, it is more common than proper, it is spoken in the plural and it is applicable to all.
*******
Prof. of Architecture
Kiss is a process which builds a solid bond between the two dynamic objects
*******
Prof. of Comp.Science
What is a kiss? It seems to be an undefined variable

Someone who understands :-

A store owner was tacking a sign above his door that read: "Puppies For Sale". Signs like that have a way of attracting small children and sure enough, a little boy appeared under the store owner's sign.
"How much are you going to sell the puppies for?" he asked.
The store owner replied, "Anywhere from $30 to $50."

The little boy reached in his pocket and pulled out some change.

"I have $2.37," he said. "Can I please look at them?"

The store owner smiled and whistled and out of the kennel came Lady, who ran out in the aisle of his store followed by five teeny, tiny balls of fur. One puppy was lagging considerably behind.
Immediately the little boy singled out the lagging, limping puppy and said, "What's wrong with that little dog?"
The store owner explained that the veterinarian had examined the little puppy and had discovered it didn't have a hip socket. It would always be lame.
The little boy became excited. "That is the puppy that I want to buy."
The store owner said, "No, you don't want to buy that little dog. If you really want him, I'll just give him to you."
The little boy got quite upset. He looked straight into the store owner's eyes, pointing his finger, and said, "I don't want you to give him to me. That little dog is worth every bit as much as all the other dogs and I'll pay full price. In fact, I'll give you $2.37 now, and 50 cents a month until I have him paid for."
The store owner countered, "You really don't want to buy this little dog. He is never going to be able to run and jump and play with you like the other puppies."
To his surprise, the little boy reached down and rolled up his pant leg to reveal a badly twisted, crippled left leg supported by a big metal brace. He looked up at the store owner and softly replied, "Well, I don't run so well myself, and the little puppy will need someone who understands."
Don't we all need someone who understands?

Newton plays Hide & Seek :-

Once all the scientists die and go to heaven. They decide to play hide-n-seek
Unfortunately Einstein is the one who has the den......... ..He is supposed to count upto 100...and then start searching... ..
Everyone starts hiding except Newton...... ...
Newton just draws a square of 1 meter and stands in it right in front of Einstein.
Einstein's counting 1,2,3......97, 98,99.... .100..... ... He opens his eyes and finds Newton standing in front....... .
Einstein says "newton's out..newton' s out....."
Newton denies and says "I am not out........I am not Newton...... "
All the scientists come out to see how he proves that he is not Newton.
Newton says "I am standing in a square of area 1m squared.....
That makes me Newton per meter squared..... .
since one Newton per meter squared is one Pascal, I'm Pascal, Therefore Pascal is OUT.......!

New Job Titles :-

OLD TITLES : NEW TITLES

Garden Boy : Landscape Executive and Animal Nutritionist
House Maid : Family Environs Upkeep Manager
Receptionist : Front Office Manager/Office Access Control
Typist: Printed Document Handler
Messenger : Business Communications Conveyer
Window Cleaner : Transparent Wall Technician
Temporary Teacher : Associate Tutor
Tea Boy : Refreshment Overseer
Garbage Collector : Public Sanitation Technician
Watchman : Theft Prevention and Surveillance Officer
Prostitute : Practical Sexual Relations Officer
Thief : Wealth Distribution Officer
Driver : Automobile Propulsion Specialist
Maid : Domestic Operations Specialist
Employee without Portfolio : Administration Manager
Cook : Food Preparation Officer
Unemployed : Township Management
Gossiping : Research Management

Softwarism (IT humor)


Gandhism:
You have two cows. But you drink goat's milk.
Indiraism:
You have two bulls. You adamantly consider them as cows.

Lalooism:
You have two cows. You buy Rs. 900 Crore worth of cattlefeed for them.
Rajnikantism: You have two cows. You throw them into air and catch their milk in your mouth.

Rajivism: You have two cows. You paint them both to get colourful milk.

Softwarism:(Ultimate....):
Client has 2 cows and u need to milk them
1 . First prepare a document when to milk them (Project kick off)
2 . Prepare a document how long you have to milk them (Project plan)
3 . Then prepare how to milk them (Design)
4 . Then prepare what other accessories are needed to milk them (Framework)
5 . Then prepare a 2 dummy cows (sort of toy cows) and show to client the way in which u will milk them (UI Mockups & POC)
6 . If client is not satisfied then redo from step 2
7 . You actually start milking them and find that there are few problem with accessories. (Change framework)
8 . Redo step 4
9 . At last milk them and send it to onsite. (Coding over)
10. Make sure that cow milks properly ( Testing)
11. Onsite reports that it is not milking there.
12. You break your head and find that onsite is trying to milk from bulls
13. At last onsite milk them and send to client (Testing)
14. Client says the quality of milk is not good. (User Acceptance Test)
15. Offsite then slogs and improves the quality of milk
16. Now the client says that the quality is good but its milking at slow rate (performance issue)
17. Again you slog and send it with good performance.
18. Client is happy???
By this time both the COWs aged and cant milk. (The software got old and get ready for next release repeat from step 1) !!!!!

21 reasons why I love you !

* I can be myself when I am with you.
* Your idea of romance is dim lights, soft music, and just the two of us.
* Because you make me feel like, like, like I have never felt before.
* I can tell you anything, and you won't be shocked
* Our undying faith is what keeps the flame out of love alive
* You and me together, we can make magic.
* We're a perfect match.
* Thinking of you, fills me with a wonderful feeling.
* Your love gives me the feeling, that the best is still ahead.
* You never give up on me, and that's what keeps me going.
* You are simply irresistible
* I love you because you bring the best out of me.
* Your terrific sense of humor
* Every time I look at you, my heart misses a beat
* You're the one who holds the key to my heart
* You always say what I need to hear (You are perfect).
* You have taught me the true meaning of love.
* Love is, what you mean to me - and you mean everything.
* You are my theme for a dream.
* I have had the time of my life and I owe it all to you.
* And, of-course, your intelligence, 'cause you were smart enough to fall in love with me ;-)

Things only a mom can teach :-

My Mother taught me about ANTICIPATION:
"Just wait until your father gets home."
My Mother taught me about RECEIVING:.
"You are going to get it when we get home!"
My Mother taught me to MEET A CHALLENGE:
"What were you thinking? Answer me when I talk to you... Don't talk back to me!"
My Mother taught me LOGIC:
"Because I said so, that's why."
&
"If you fall out of that swing and break your neck, you're not going to
the store with me."
My Mother taught me MEDICAL SCIENCE:
"If you don't stop crossing your eyes, they are going to freeze that way."
My Mother taught me to THINK AHEAD:
"If you don't pass your spelling test, you'll never get a good job."
My Mother taught me ESP:
"Put your sweater on; don't you think I know when you're cold?"
My Mother taught me HUMOR:
"When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don't come running to me."
My Mother taught me how to BECOME AN ADULT:
"If you don't eat your vegetables, you'll never grow up."
My Mother taught me about SEX:
"How do you think you got here?"
My Mother taught me about GENETICS:
"You're just like your father."
My Mother taught me about my ROOTS:
"Do you think you were born in a barn?"
My Mother taught me about WISDOM OF AGE:
"When you get to be my age, you will understand."
My Mother taught me about JUSTICE:
"One day you'll have kids, and I hope they turn out just like you. Then you'll see what it's like."
My mother taught me RELIGION:
"You better pray that will come out of the carpet."
My mother taught me about TIME TRAVEL:
"If you don't straighten up, I'm going to knock you into the middle of next week!"
My mother taught me FORESIGHT:
"Make sure you wear clean underwear, in case you're in an accident."
My mother taught me IRONY:
"Keep crying and I'll *give* you something to cry about."
My mother taught me about the science of OSMOSIS:
"Shut your mouth and eat your supper!"
My mother taught me about CONTORTIONISM:
"Will you *look* at the dirt on the back of your neck!"
My mother taught me about STAMINA:
"You'll sit there until all that spinach is finished."
My mother taught me about WEATHER:
"It looks as if a tornado swept through your room."
My mother taught me how to solve PHYSICS PROBLEMS: "If I yelled because
I saw a meteor coming toward you, would you listen then?"
My mother taught me about HYPOCRISY:
"If I've told you once, I've told you a million times: Don't Exaggerate!!!"
My mother taught me THE CIRCLE OF LIFE:
"I brought you into this world, and I can take you out."
My mother taught me about BEHAVIOUR MODIFICATION:
"Stop acting like your father!"
My mother taught me about ENVY:
"There are millions of less fortunate children in this world who don't have wonderful parents like you do!"

How to be a Friend ?

01. Don't worry about knowing people just make yourself worth knowing.
02. Friends are those rare people who ask how we are and then wait to hear the answer.
03. If you can buy a person's friendship, it is not worth it.
04. True friends have hearts that beat as one.
05. If you cannot think of any nice things to say about your friends, then you have the wrong friends.
06. Make friends before you need them.
07. If you were another person, would you like to be a friend of yours?
08. A good friend is one who neither looks down on you nor keeps up with you.
09. Be friendly with the folks you know… if it weren't for them you would be a total stranger.
10. A friend is never known till he is needed.
11. Friendship is a responsibility...not an opportunity.
12. Friendship is the cement that holds the world together.
13. Friends are those who speak to you after others don't.
14. The reason a dog has so many friends is that he wags his tail and not his tongue.
15. Pick your friends, but not to pieces.
16. A friend is one who puts his finger on a fault without rubbing it in.
17. The way to have friends is to be willing to lose some arguments.
18. If a friend makes a mistake, don't rub it in... rub it out.
19. Deal with other's faults as gently as if they were your own.
20. People are judged by the company they keep and the company they keep away from.
21. A friend is a person who can step on your toes without messing up your shine.
22. The best mirror is an old friend.
23. The best possession one may have is a true friend.
24. Make friendship a habit and you will always have friends.
25. You will never have a friend if you must have one without faults.
26. Doing nothing for your friends results in having no friends to do for.
27. Anyone can give advice, but a real friend will lend a helping hand.
28. You can make more friends by being interested in them than trying to have them be interested in you.
29. A real friend is a person who, when you've made a fool of yourself, lets you forget it.
30. A friend is a person who listens attentively while you say nothing.
31. You can buy friendship with friendship, but never with dollars.
32. True friends are like diamonds, precious but rare; false friends are like autumn leaves, found everywhere.
33. A friend is someone who thinks you're a good egg even though you're slightly cracked.

Saturday, March 21, 2009

Your Dreams A to Z :-

Avoid negative sources, people, places, things and habits !
Believe in yourself !
Consider things from every angle !
Don't give up and don't give in !
Enjoy life today! yesterday is gone and tomorrow will never come !
Family and friends are hidden treasures and seek them and enjoy their riches !
Give more than you planned to !
Hang on to your dreams !
Ignore those who try to discourage you !
Just do it !
Keep trying no matter how hard it seems - it will get easier !
Love yourself first and most !
Make it happen !
Never lie, cheat or steal! Always strike a fair deal !
Open your eyes and see things as they really are !
Practice makes perfect !
Quitters never win and winners never quit !
Read, study and learn about everything important in your life !
Stop procrastinating !
Take control of your own destiny!
Understand yourself to better understand others !
Visualize it !
Want it more than anything !
Xcellerate your efforts !
You are unique of all God's creations, nothing can replace you!
Zero in on your target and go for it !

For Your Eyes Only!


Eyes Are the most complex organs you possess except for your brain.

Eyes Are composed of more than two million working parts.

Eyes Can process 36,000 bits of information every hour.

Eyes Under the right conditions, can discern the light of a candle at a distance of 14 miles.

Eyes Contribute towards 85% of your total knowledge.

Eyes Utilize 65% of all the pathways to the brain.

Eyes Can instantaneously set in motion hundreds of muscles and organs in your body.

Eyes In a normal life-span, will bring you almost 24 million images of the world around you.

Eyes The external muscles that move the eyes are the strongest muscles in the human body for the job that they have to do. They are 100 times more powerful than they need to be.

Eyes The adult eyeball measures about 1 inch (2.5 cm) in diameter. Of its total surface area only one-sixth is exposed -- the front portion.

Eyes The eye is the only part of the human body that can function at 100% ability at any moment, day or night, without rest. Your eyelids need rest, the external muscles of your eyes need rest, the lubrication of your eyes requires replenishment, but your eyes themselves "never" need rest. But please rest them!

Eyes Eyes are your most precious sense... care for them properly!

Exam Special !

Three Examinations special

1) Special offer........ Bring a chit on exam day, scratch and show it to your nearest teacher and win free trip to Principal's office and enjoy 3 years vacation at home.
Hurry offer valid until exams only....
2) It takes 15 trees to produce the amount of paper that we use to write our exam once (excluding supplementary). Join us in promoting the noble cause of saving trees.
Say NO to EXAMS
3) Student's declaration at the end of answer paper. It Reminds me of Disclaimer Notices!
"I hereby declare that answers written above r true 2 the best of mine & my friend's knowledge & I claim no responsibility whatsoever 4 any mistakes. Whatever I have written is truly fictitious & any resemblance with the Subject Matter is purely Coincidental.

Bachelors Quotes!

Every man should get married some time; after all,happiness is not the only thing in life !!
--Anonymous
****************
Bachelors should be heavily taxed. It is not fair that some men should be happier than others.
--Oscar Wilde
****************
Don't marry for money; you can borrow it cheaper.
--Scottish Proverb
****************
I don't worry about terrorism. I was married for two years.
--Sam Kinison
****************
Men have a better time than women; for one thing,
they marry later; for another thing, they die earlier.
--H. L. Mencken
****************
When a newly married couple smiles, everyone knows why.
When a ten-year married couple smiles, everyone wonders why.
****************
Love is blind but marriage is an eye-opener.
****************
When a man opens the door of his car for his wife,
you can be sure of one thing: either the car is new or the wife.
****************
I take my wife everywhere, but she keeps finding her way back to home always.
--Anonymous
****************
I asked my wife, "Where do you want to go for our anniversary?"
She said,"Somewhere I h! ave never been!" I told her,
"How about the kitchen?"
--Anonymous
****************
We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops.
****************
My wife was in beauty saloon for two hours.
That was only for the estimate.
--Anonymous
****************
She got a mudpack and looked great for two days. Then the mud fell off.
--Anonymous
****************
She ran after the garbage truck, yelling, "Am I too late for the garbage?"
Following her down the street I yelled, "No, jump in."
--Anonymous
****************
Badd Teddy recently explained to me why he refuses to get to married.
He says "the wedding rings look like minature handcuffs....."
--Anonymous
****************
If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife yelling at the frontdoor, who do you let in first?
The Dog of course... at least he'll shut up after u let him in!
--Anonymous
****************
A man placed some flowers on the grave of his dearly parted mother and started back toward his car when his attention was diverted to another man kneeling at a grave.
The man seemed to be praying with profound intensity and kept repeating, 'Why did u have to die? Why did you have to die?"
The first man approached him and said,
"Sir, I don't wish to interfere with your private grief, but this demonstration of pain in is more than I've ever seen before. For whom do you mourn so? Deeply? A child? A parent?"
The mourner took a moment to collect himself, then replied "My wife's first husband."
****************
A couple came upon a wishing well. The husband leaned over, made a wish and threw in a coin .
The wife decided to make a wish, too. But she leaned over too much, fell into the well, and drowned.
The husband was stunned for a while but then smiled " It really works ! "

Life is a one way !

Life is a one way street....
No Matter which door u take..
Non of them..
Leads back..
So Enjoy every moment of ur life..
B'coz nothing will happen the same way again....take care..
The most determinative & motivating sentence which shud always be followed in life.
The RACE is NOT OVER because I haven't WON yet.


Have you ever watched a stone cutter at work??
He will hammer away at a rock, for perhaps a 100 times without a crack showing in it.
Then, on the 101st blow, it will split in two..
It is not that blow alone.. Which accomplished the result,
But the 100 others that went before as well...
So...
To accomplish any goal...keep going...

What matters
is PERSISTENCY ....

Senior moment !!!

An elderly couple were having dinner at another couple's house and after their meal, the wives left the table to go to the kitchen.
The two elderly gents were talking, and one says: "Last night we went out to a fabulous new restaurant .I'd highly recommend."
The other man says: "What's the name of the restaurant?"
The first man thinks long and hard with a furrowed brow, finally saying: "Ah, what is the name of that red flower you give to someone you love?"
His friend replies: "A carnation?" "No, no. The other one," the man says.
His friend suggest "The poppy?"
"No, no, no" growls the man.
"You know - the one that is red and has thorns."
His friend says: "Do you mean a rose?"
"Yes! Thank you!" the first man says. He then turns toward the kitchen and yells: "Rose, what's the name of that restaurant we went to last night?"

Boss Kidnapped!

Employees of a Company are all worried. Some are roaming around. Some are in
loud discussions during office time.....
Some Trainees, who had just joined, notice this and enquire about what happened to a senior employee, they ask, "What's going on?"
"Terrorists have kidnapped our Boss"
They're asking for Rs.10 Crores ransom, otherwise they're going to douse him with petrol and set him on fire. Some Trainees, who had just joined, notice this and enquire about what happened to a senior employee, they ask, "What's going on?"
"Terrorists have kidnapped our Boss"
They're asking for Rs.10 Crores ransom, otherwise they're going to
douse him with petrol and set him on fire.
We're going from desk to desk, taking up a collection."
One Trainee asks, "How much is everyone giving, on average?
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
"About 1 litre."

Job Interview - Honest HR Question-Answers

If we were to Honestly reply to all the HR Questions they would go something like this
1. Why did you apply for this job?
I have applied for many jobs along with this and you called me now.
2. Why do you want to work for this company?
I have to work for some company who ever gives me a job, I don't have any specific company in mind.
3. Why should I hire you?
You have to hire some one, you may give me a try.
4.What would you do if we hire you?
Well, it depends on my mindset but I will try to work on whatever is allotted to me.
5.What is your biggest strength?
Basically, daring to join any company who pays me well, without thinking of the fate of company.
6.What is your biggest weakness?
Girls
7.What was your worst mistake, and how did you learn from it?
Joining my earlier company and learn that I need to jump to get more money, so I am here today!
8. What accomplishments in your last position are you most proud of?
Had I accomplished any in my last position, why do I need to change my job? I could demand more and stay there.
9.Describe a challenge you faced and how you overcame it?
Biggest challenge is answering the question "why are you looking for a change" and I started blabbering irrelevantly to overcome that.
10.Why did you leave/ are you leaving your last job?
For the same reason why you left your earlier job... more money
11.What do you want from this job?
If no work is given but keep giving good hikes
12.What are your career goals and how do you plan to achieve them?
Make more money and for that keep jumping companies for every 2 yrs
13.Did you hear of our company and what do you know of us?
Yeah, I know that you will ask this, I've gone through your website
14.What is the salary expected and how do u justify that?
Well, no one will change job for the same salary, hence, give me 20% extra than what I am getting and that is unpublished industry standard (I know you will bargain on what ever I ask, hence, I have already hiked my current salary by 30%)

The Stock Market simply illustrated ... is there a lesson here?

Once upon a time in a village, a man appeared and announced to the villagers that he would buy monkeys for Rs10.
The villagers seeing that there were many monkeys around, went out to the forest and started catching them.
The man bought thousands at Rs10 and as supply started to diminish, the villagers stopped their effort. He further announced that he would now buy at Rs20.
This renewed the efforts of the villagers and they started catching monkeys again. Soon the supply diminished even further and people started going back to their farms.
The offer rate increased to Rs25 and the supply of monkeys became so little that it was an effort to even see a monkey let alone catch it.
The man now announced that he would buy monkeys at Rs50! However, since he had to go to the city on some business, his assistant would now buy on behalf of him.
In the absence of the man, the assistant told the villagers. "Look at all these monkeys in the big cage that the man has collected. I will sell them to you at Rs35 and when the man returns from the city , you can sell it to him for Rs50."
The villagers squeezed up with all their savings to buy the monkeys.
Then they never saw the man nor his assistant, only monkeys everywhere!!!!

If Airlines Were Based on Operating Systems ( Computer Humor )

UNIX Airways
Everyone brings one piece of the plane along when they come to the airport.
They all go out on the runway and put the plane together piece by piece,
arguing nonstop about what kind of plane they are supposed to be building.
Air DOS
Everybody pushes the airplane until it glides, then they jump on and let the plane coast until it hits the ground again. Then they push again, jump on again, and so on.


Mac Airlines

All the stewards, captains, baggage handlers, and ticket agents look and act exactly the same. Every time you ask questions about details, you are gently but firmly told that you don't need to know, don't want to know, and everything will be done for you without your ever having to know, so just shut up.

Windows Air

The terminal is pretty and colorful, with friendly stewards, easy baggage check and boarding, and a smooth takeoff. After about 10 minutes in the air, the plane explodes with no warning whatsoever.

Windows NT Air

Just like Windows Air, but costs more, uses much bigger planes, and takes out all the other aircraft within a 40-mile radius when it explodes.

Linux Air

Disgruntled employees of all the other OS airlines decide to start their own airline.
They build the planes and ticket counters, and pave the runways themselves.
They charge a small fee to cover the cost of printing the ticket, but you can also download and print the ticket yourself. When you board the plane, you are given a seat, four bolts, a wrench, and a copy of the seat-HOWTO.html.
Once settled, the fully adjustable seat is very comfortable, the plane leaves and arrives on time without a single problem, the in-flight meal is wonderful. You try to tell customers of the other airlines about the great trip, but all they can say is, "You had to do what with the seat?

Cute questions asked by Kids!


After putting her grandchildren to bed, a grandmother changed into old slacks and a droopy blouse and proceeded to wash her hair. As she heard the children getting more and more rambunctious, her patience grew thin. Finally, she threw a towel around her head and stormed into their room, putting them back to bed with stern warnings. As she left the room, she heard the three-year-old say with a trembling voice, "Who was THAT?"
*******

A grandmother was telling her little granddaughter what her own childhood was like: "We used to skate outside on a pond. I had a swing made from a tire; it hung from a tree in our front yard. We rode our pony. We picked wild raspberries in the woods." The little girl was wide-eyed, taking this all in. At last she said, "I sure wish I'd gotten to know you sooner!"
*******

My grandson was visiting one day when he asked, "Grandma, do you know how you and God are alike?" I mentally polished my halo while I asked, "No, how are we alike?"
"You're both old," he replied.
*******

A little girl was diligently pounding away on her grandfather's word processor. She told him she was writing a story. "What's it about?" he asked. "I don't know," she replied. "I can't read."
*******

I didn't know if my granddaughter had learned her colors yet, so I decided to test her. I would point out something and ask what color it was. She would tell me and was always correct. It was fun for me, so I continued. At last she headed for the door, saying sagely, "Grandma, I think you should try to figure out some of these yourself!"
*******

When my grandson Billy and I entered our vacation cabin, we kept the lights off until we were inside to keep from attracting pesky insects. Still, a few fireflies followed us in. Noticing them before I did, Billy whispered, "It's no use, Grandpa. The mosquitoes are coming after us with flashlights."
*******

When my grandson asked me how old I was, I teasingly replied, "I'm not sure." "Look in your underwear, Grandpa," he advised. "mine says I'm four to six."
*******

A second grader came home from school and said to her grandmother, "Grandma, guess what? We learned how to make babies today." The grandmother, more than a little surprised, tried to keep her cool. "That's interesting," she said, "how do you make babies?" "It's simple," replied the girl. "You just change 'y' to 'i' and add 'es'."
*******

Children's Logic: "Give me a sentence about a public servant," said a teacher. The small boy wrote: "The fireman came down the ladder pregnant." The teacher took the lad aside to correct him. "Don't you know what pregnant means?" she asked. "Sure," said the young boy confidently. "It means carrying a child."
*******

A nursery school teacher was delivering a station wagon full of kids home one day when a fire truck zoomed past. Sitting in the front seat of the truck was a Dalmatian dog. The children started discussing the dog's duties.
"They use him to keep crowds back," said one child.
"No," said another, "he's just for good luck."
A third child brought the argument to a close. "They use the dogs,"
she said firmly, "to find the fire
hydrants...
*******

She was in the bathroom, putting on her makeup, under the watchful eyes of her young granddaughter as she'd done many times before. After she applied her lipstick and started to leave, the little one said, "But Gramma, you forgot to kiss the toilet paper good-bye!"
*******

My young grandson called the other day to wish me Happy Birthday. He asked me how old I was, and I told him, "62." He was quiet for a moment, and then he asked, "Did you start at 1?"
*******